Edman,
Because I can't actually say this to you, because I become inexplicably unable to form sentences...
I like you quite a bit, and have for some time. Assumed it was fairly obvious by now, but as you seem uncertain, I'd like to tell you. However, I suck more than you could possibly realize at discussing emotions, so have to confess to a random anonymous website that you will likely never see.
While I'm at it, I should also let you know that it isn't just discussing emotions that I suck at -- I tend to fail at getting emotionally involved as well. At this point, I think it just scares the living hell out of me. I've had some very bad experiences, both with letting myself get involved and with thinking there was something wrong with me when I did not get involved. At this stage, I don't want anything to get too serious, because I still haven't gotten a hold on my feelings -- I'm not sure what they are or what they will be given time. I'm very careful and deliberate when forming attachments, but that is rather difficult in this particular case, as I don't have enough in-person time to get a feel for how we'd be. Our minds tend to go very well together...I think you get to see more of who I actually am than anyone else, which might surprise you. Generally I have trouble revealing those parts of myself, because most people don't take well to them...but you met me at a time in my life after I'd just vowed to be unashamed of who I am, and the way our relationship grew was because of that. I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of losing that connection. I've grown to depend upon it. What I get out of our friendship I cannot get anywhere else.
After I have said this and let it loose, perhaps I will be able to sleep...my mind is calmer already. I do not know whether I wish for you to stumble upon this or not, but it will soon be out of my hands. |